I have been suffering from Finish-phobia.
I have finished jobs, projects, tasks for others, often with a bang, but doing the work to define my calling, that intersection of passion, talent and external need, has been hard. So hard, that I have deferred it, avoided it, ignored it – quite successfully.
I called the past year the Year of Ami, the time that I spent learning to photograph, to draw, to write, focusing on my kids, cooking (often unsuccessfully) from scratch, training our new puppy. I loved trying new things, re-connecting with friends and family, making new connections. But I have a niggling fear – that I have not spent the time wisely – because I don’t KNOW my calling and I haven’t gotten going pursuing that calling.
My grandmother knew her calling. She was a woman of incredible faith and love, and she shared that faith and love with everyone around her. She was confident in her faith, she knew what her life was about. Her faith healed the sick. Even when her mind became clouded by Alzheimers, she loved to pray. When she died, the theme of her funeral was “Well done, good and faithful servant.” I wish for the same certainty and joy in my life’s purpose that my grandmother had in hers.
So it’s time to get to work. Time to use those analytical skills and project management experience on myself. 40 is a magic number in many traditions, and 40 days is long enough to create new habits, shed old habits and dig into my psyche. Starting today, I’m going to spend 40 days digging, thinking, planning, and dreaming. Let’s see what comes up.